Monthly Archives: December 2021

The Times of Or haGanuz

This was a school assignment, to write about light as a kabbalistic notion and create an art. This is the first digital art I’ve ever made and it was enjoyable (though time intensive since I didn’t know what I was doing lol). Poem, art, then musings about the or haganuz, that thin thread of light that reminds us of the First Light.
The citations are repetitive because that was our main English first-source text for the class.

Have a safe goyish Chol haMoed!

– – – – – –    – – – – – – –    – – – – – –

there was Nothing
then

there was Everything
The All so densely thick,
Light congealed to matter and
– Up, down  strange, charm, top, bottom –  
[bound] in expansion.

And when the light finally unspools
As a golden thread beyond 
Warp and weft looming,
The universe will let fly
What matter

-ed.

Yihi Or

– – – – – – –    – – – – – –

“Every instance of new lights appearing is preceded by tzimtzum” Etz Chayim 8:2

Light holds great store in human reality and imagination. Judaism, certainly no less than other cultures, prizes and symbolizes the light and even gave the world one of the most famous statements of light – haShem’s resounding “yihi or.” In the Torah and Tanakh, light is both a reality and a potent symbol, but it is the branches of Jewish mysticism that give “light” its greatest multiplicity of meaning. Bereshit brings down a flash of light after dark and water and the spirit hovering, but Jewish mysticism brings down a light so great that it illuminates the entire universe; a light so intense it gets stowed away, stored for Olam haBa:

“Rabbi Isaac said, “The light created by God in the act of Creation flared from one end of the universe to the other and was hidden away, reserved for the righteous in the world that is coming, as it is written:
‘Light is sown for the righteous.’
(p 90 “The Hidden Light,” The Essential Kabbalah : Daniel C. Matt)(Zohar I:3Ib-32a; 2:I48b-I49a)

This light beyond light, so great and awesome and awe-full that it is unimaginable. How could humans ever hope to stand in the presence of such infinite obliterating brightness? Bending the light, haShem constricted it as She had just encompassed the tzimtzum universe inside. Building vessels and sluices He compressed, enclothing the light until it could be perceived. 

“Though concealed, the light is actually revealed, for were it not concealed, it could not be revealed. This is like wishing to gaze at the dazzling sun. Its dazzle conceals it, for you cannot look at its overwhelming brilliance.
(p 91 “Concealing and Revealing” The Essential Kabbalah : Daniel C Matt)(First passage: Moses Nahmanides (thirteenth century), Commentary on Sefer Yetsirah)

When the Infinite light is finally poured forth unfiltered, the lower kli can not contain it’s force and shatter, cracking the system apart. The shards of this shattering descend, settling with scrapes of scraps of light embedded, into the material world. 

“When the shards descended to the bottom of the world of actualization, they were transformed into the four elements-fire, air, water, and earth-from which evolved the stages of mineral, vegetable, animal, and human.”
(p 97 “Traces” The Essential Kabbalah : Daniel C Matt) (Israel Sarug (sixteenth-seventeenth centuries), Limmudei Atsilut)

Much of kabbalah, especially kabbalah today that is heavily influenced by the Ari, focuses a great deal on these shards. They are the path toward human tikkun and rectification, the way forward into Olam haBa. Because of many Jews realization of the broken edges of the world, this idea of shatterings we can help heal has been a focal point in many current branches of Judaism. We’re all aware of the Tikkun Olam committee phenomenon. But what of the cause of the shattering? 

That all-too-great light. What becomes of it?

Like the Leviathan salted away for the righteous of the world to come, the light is spirited away. Too powerful to leave unfiltered in the world, haShem diminishes it like our later moon.  Perhaps we might mourn that this light has been locked away, that Olam haBa is so far away as to make this unattainable. But the Chasidic masters bring down that this ohr haganuz, this hidden light stowed away, is found in various moments and can be used to great spiritual attainment. 

The Tikkun haChatzot ritual is a time a thin ray / kav of this light threads through the darkness to find those awake and at Torah. Hanukkah and its lighting within the dark, whether by Beit Shammai leading us into inner light or Beit Hillel increasing the visible vibrant spectrum, is another time of the glimmer of the First Light in that Darkness. The Rosh Chodesh, the silver sliver promise of the moon; the story of Purim – Esther and even g-d hidden; and the parasha around Purim Tetzaveh, where Moshe’s name is never spoken and yet the most intimate you from haShem is. Even the myth of the lamed-vavniks is the or haganuz become embodied through chasidut reimaginings of who merits the intimate divine light.

And in our everyday bring down the reshimut of that first light, through a thousand filters and all our complex animal humanity; still that the divine moment happens – face to face. That is the face of Shekinah.

And so we go forward knowing each face is another Face, The Face, a facet to see divinity through. The Shekinah is not up in the heavens or across oceans, but here. In our hearts and in our mouths. Selah.

“You think that you have grasped the light, when suddenly it escapes, radiating elsewhere. You pursue it, hoping to catch it-but you cannot. Yet you cannot bring yourself to leave. You keep pursuing it.”
(p 114 “Ripples,“ The Essential Kabbalah : Daniel C. Matt)(Moses de Le6n (thirteenth century), Commentary on the Sefirot, published by Gershom Scholem)

“Since it is boundless, there is nothing outside of it. Since it transcends and conceals itself, it is the essence of everything hidden and revealed. Since it is concealed, it is the root of faith and the root of rebellion.”
p 28 “Ein Sof: God as INfinity” (Azriel of Gerona (thirteenth century), “Commentary on the Ten Se-firot,” in Me’ir ibn Gabbai, Derekh Emunah)

Age of Tiferet

The Sefer haTemunah talks of cosmic ages. Avraham’s chesed begins to close that era and one starts of gevurah – strictness and boundaries, e.g. why our Torah has so many “rules.” The Torah of Avraham was open like a tent. But each trauma makes another fence. Mitzrayim brings nationlism; Babylon written Torah. And we keep going from there.
Fence upon fence upon laayered fenced

What comes next though in this book? The next step is the Age of Tiferet – the balance, the synthesis, the both/neither. And those of us on/in/around the margins are the ones who can rebalance our world and wrest spirituality from cruelty and power.

Its 2:15 am and I felt the temperature drop in this little uninsulated attic perch.
This is the hour, entering into REM dream sleep, the hypothalamus let’s loose it’s thermostat controls.
This is the hour when the body’s basal temperature drops lowest, corercing even night owls to nest.
This is the hour Dreaming unprotects your breathing, snoring and apnea worse, longer, uneven.
This is the hour those sleeping in the cold, while Lamborghinis are parked in heated buildings and skyscrapers stand empty lighted,

This is the hour the unhoused that pass tonight in Seattle will die, from hypothermia and from our societal neglect.

Barukh dayan emet. Blessed is the True Judge, the one who knows this world’s judgement is not justice.

May haShem forgive us this system most are trapped in and may El Shaddai revenge their blood.

May each of their memories be a blessing.

Cease and Desist

To Whom it May Concern,

Attached is a notarized cease and desist letter to the committee, as well as my client’s statement of intent concerning this request. 

To the Canonizer,

I see you and your affected editing, bumbling the story line for your own twisted purposes.

How dare you prioritize the reading of the first five as The Torah, when you know I I edited them to be as the menorah of the Beit haMikdash – to alight and enlighten. Devarim a hinge, the shammes connecting the first Four and the second Four. The rise of Yisrael the nation and our greatest fall. 

But you, You have twisted its nature; cutting it in lopsided halves; somehow severing in the after-story; and inscribing narrative our ancestors – alav hashalom – would have called the wrath of heaven upon, may haShem grant mercy. That menorah, that great arced story ends with our downfall as a lesson, as The lesson – to raise a king, to raise a nation, to raise your people above another is folly doomed to destruction. The Enatosteuch – the menorah haTorah – our first nine books align, alighting these aliyot of insight.

Greedy children begging for power! Desiring the kingship of Egypt, the nationalism of Edom – our very enemies – the very tools our enemies used to enslave us and overpower our own Place of g-d! That enlarged head of the grand Temple rests heavy upon the City of David, does it not? My eyes may be dim, but words are my ocean and I have swum a lifetime. I will not let your perversion stand.

haTorah must be read as a whole. From the Creation and first Family, the Redemption and Revelation, to Nation pride and to Downfall.
And those Five Great Compromises, those we fast for : the shattering of tablets, the animal sacrifice, and the permanent temple; the kingship, and the nation of Yehudah/Yisrael, must be named as public days of mourning. And when the people are destroyed and the nations torn by the chillul haShem of power-hungry cruelty, the end embedded in the beginning can shift, the shmita of her desolation becomes a rest in harsh times. The finality of that end can only be born into a new world that we must be making.

Your yearly Torah ends in at a patch of soil. This false construction that breaks us, leaving the hopeful eyes ever on the prize of the Land, may shepherd us through diaspora trauma. But at what cost?

The Editor

PS – And Chronicles smacked on the end is a slap in the face, its nationalist heavy language – tromping a deep trench that says “Do Not Enter.” You of all the people know text levels beyond the Atzilut Nine (may the 10th be found swiftly and in my time) are never permitted to be corralled. May there be no cherem upon you in your life for this heresy, for the sake of Heaven. 

A person of 40 is for Binah

.
בֶּן אַרְבָּעִים לַבִּינָה
“A person of 40 is for understanding/binah.”

Pirkei Avot has a famous bit at the end of Chapter 5 which concerns the ages of Jewish humans, right before the /very/ famous bit about turning and turning. It succinctly tells you when to start studying Talmud, when you’ll officially be “old,” what to expect as you age.

To be 40 is to be a word usually translated as “wisdom,” occasionally as “discernment.” I always assumed it was the Hebrew word Chokmah, translated often as just that, “wisdom.” Imagine my surprise when my housemate Fern cracked open the text and found the word Binah, a very different type of knowledge and knowing!
Chokmah is overarching knowledge, the kind of global “wisdom,” getting it without the conscious process. Binah though? She’s all about knowing the difference between things, the ability to pull it apart, the knowledge of what separates one from the other. Binah is all about the consciousness of knowing.

I would have thought 40 was for Chokmah, for knowing so well that you’ve internalized the process, for being so immersed in the fluidity of that 40 years mikveh that it all seems as one. But no. 40 is for knowing the difference; naming the boundaries, leyning where the ley lines are.

I have learned a great deal about where my boundaries are these past few years; what I need and what I can’t/won’t handle.

Pirkei Avot is right. 40 is definitely for discernment.

Questions for Early Tevet

How much of my inability to forgive others can be tied up in my inability to forgive myself?

How much is a sense of wanting retributive justice, of the other “getting what they deserve,” is connected to my unresolved hurt and anger at the world’s wounds?

How can I center restorative justice and tzedek in this world by forgiving myself, by not punishing the mistakes , and by letting go of white cultures ideas of perfection? How can I meet myself where I am now “warts and all” and use that power to meet others too – where they are; in pain and hurt, in our grief and dirty rooms and six foot air hugs?

Being Alive

Today is the day, over 15 years ago when I went into emergency gallbladder surgery. I was in the ICU for days to get the swelling down, hours beyond the expected surgery time, inpatient for a week after, and had a tube coming out of my stomach for a month.

Also, for the first time in my life, I didn’t have health insurance.

The necessity of the emergency wasn’t helped that I had convinced myself this was “fine,” that the growing pain and stiffness were simply issues from Thanksgiving and birthday overeating. By the time my dad insisted on driving me himself, his eyes watering at my pain, I gave up.

There is a universe where I died that year.

All the beautiful flowering of my first chosen gender, my conversion to Judaism, my learning to navigate life, snuffed out by powerful millionaires inability to give up their wealth so we can all have better lives. This happens everyday. It happens so frequently we don’t, we can’t think about it. I work in healthcare. The lives lost to healthcare access in this era are a failure that can never be erased.

I think about that unmoored moment, high for the first time of my life on painkillers, unsure of what was happening, so out of it I couldn’t remember who had visited and who I had dreamed. Would I wake again? Was I even awake now? When we finally left an eternal week later and my parents drove me home, every neon light and traffic signal was a beautiful beacon, spattered in rain – all refracted droplets. I cried to be alive.

Today I’m crying over this for the first time since it happened. And crying for the folks who didn’t make it.

To Hanukkah – 21 Kislev 5781

I dreamed this dream:
The morning star, a shammes,
Soaring from the depths –
Out of the dark horizon,
Out of my hidden heart,
And lighting the sun
On fire.

The cold damp settles
A soft fog cloud,
Cloaked in the night.

The wide arc swings
A time lapse track,
Shimmering before dawn.

I dreamed
The heart was our shammes,
Rising from the despair –
Out of our deep dismays
Out of our unknown fear
And igniting your soul
In hope.

The night is long
And I long for light.

HaShem give me
A knowing heart.

This was written a year ago today secularly, but during Hannukah last year 5781. It was found while putting my journal scribbles into their new home, in my new room.

Kislev to Tevet – Dedication and Clarity

My greatest impediment in life is my executive dysfunction. It trips me up constantly. Even if I want to accomplish a task, sometimes I can not budge my brain to do it. Something about pressure, something about expectations, shuts me down.
I’ve been working this past year on being uncomfortable, sitting in emotional or even physical discomfort to get my body/brain to feel not everything is conflict, not everything is a problem. From trying food I don’t like (with a big glass of delicious beverage near) to dancing naked in the snow with runs back to the hot tub, from making myself not run from actual conflict to laying on a accu-pressure pad (hated it but still do it). It feels somehow like it’s been working because despite a painful uncomfortable year I feel … Hurt, but remarkably whole.

This new Jewish month is difficult – dark, a month of contradictions and ends, high energy – a month that starts with a monster’s roar. But the light of Hanukkah is a focus, pulling your dreams and rest into the colder winter, drawing illumination forward for focus and clarity. Next month the sap will rise and trees will begin a slow preparation for flowering spring. But to get the flowers we first have to live through the bare branches; it lets us see the structure for what it is. Winter is pruning time and self care time; they are both the same.

There are many mystical related teachings that your greatest weakness hides within it your greatest strength, that the very thing tripping you up and giving you most grief is your source of power. I truly hope and want to be able to work around and eventually through this inability. I realize how much more I could do for myself and others if I can somewhat repair this all-encompassing coping mechanism. I hope you can turn your hurt to strength, your harm to personal inner power.

Let’s prune away these maladaptive ways of being! Let’s shine a dedicated light into the crevices and clearly see what we might repair! Let’s dance in the snow and remember there is joy in the hard work of becoming better humans!

Love and solidarity!