Dreaming Tikkun for the Night of the World

I am excited to be 40.

In Judaism, 40 is an important age with big overtones. It’s the height of your personal power, the mikveh of your being. These past two years have been grueling; the past six a huge shift in who I am and what I care about. 40 really does seem like a massive milestone, especially with these two months leading up to it.

This year is a shmitta year – the year of rest. This month is Kislev – the month of dreaming and sleep.
I’m dreaming beloveds of the tikkun/repair to the Night of the World.
We’ve turned night into day with bright lights and capitalist inability to stop; we’ve disrupted the entire world in the process. The entire world needs to rest, to sleep, to disconnect from the bright insistence that we must always be doing.

– This Hannukah, how can you dedicate some time, space, energy to finding rest?

– During these darker months, how can you bring light to yourself and others?

– Kislev – this month Hannukah is in – is opposite on the calendar to Sivan; Hannukah the mirror of Shavuot, the giving of Torah. Shavuot is a downpouring of Torah from above, and so Kislev – its “opposite” – is the welling up from below, from the earth, from us. What inner Torah is being revealed to you during this month?

The Gender of Date Trees

“ומאי טעמא אקריאת תמר ולא שאר שמות … דכל אילני תמרים כלולים זכר ונקבה” 

“Why was she called Tamar and not another name? … for every date tree includes male and female.” – Sefer haBahir 198

My dearest Tamar,

I see you have inherited my coat – the ktonet passim, that technicolor princess gown. My father’s father remembered the smell of gan eden through Abba’s goat skin disguise, on uncle Esau’s shirt. Grandfather whispered in quiet chant, never looking you in the eyes even before his sight left, that this garment was one of the 10 miracles created by Shekinah at the edge of the first Shabbat. I know, I know …. How many lists of ten different things created on the first Shabbat did Saba Yitzchak have?!

I wish I could tell you this garment will bring joy and happiness, health and love. I wish I could wrap you in it knowing it would only be a sukkat shlomekha, a shelter of peace. The creations of haShem can bring wonder and permanence; Shekinah sometimes brings those darker mirrors. Just as it brought my brothers to a near-murderous rage, ultimately stained with goat’s blood, the coat will hurt you too. Could Abba smell gan eden on my coat, torn and bloodied? These men can not abide refusal, can not contain their hurt honor and violent retributions. They will hurt you too; blame you for crying no as I cried out when they ripped my clothes off and threw me down.

As the sages say “אֵיזוֹ הִיא אַהֲבָה הַתְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, זוֹ אַהֲבַת אַמְנוֹן וְתָמָר” “What is an example of love that depended on a thing? The love of Ammon for Tamar.”

I’m sorry I can not spare you from across time and space. The curse of hierarchy gender still rebounds from the Expulsion – “by the sweat of your brow,” “your desire will be for him.” I gave it up to exist in Egypt; better foreign and unknown than to live in the shadow that even the two who didn’t want you dead …. Didn’t protect you.

My gender was my crime. Always a “boy” never a man, always lifting my heel and lining my eyes with dark kohl. Your gender was your crime, a young woman wanted and – as the inheritor of my coat – perhaps there are connections even Torah has not said. They tried to destroy me and own you. They wonder after why I refused Potiphor and his wife, but how could I desire such contact after what my brothers did? You may feel the same, my dear heart.  Do not blame yourself for this cruelty. Like your namesake remain tall, sweetened with the fruit of your effort, a shade for those in need. We mark an oasis in this arid desert; a pillar pointing to deep waters.

Much love from another date-tree in the family line,

Yoseph – Tzaphnat-paneach – vizier to the Lord of the Two Lands, The Great House, and They that Water the Nile.

Why Are Men? a short Gender Tikkun

I’ve said it before and I will fight about it again.
I understand it as a coping mechanism and a vent. I have sympathy as someone who’s said it many times myself.

And yet, every time we unthinkingly say “Why are men?” another trans man doesn’t come out, another little boy feels shame and turns it toxic, another straight woman feels like shit for her sexuality. It’s a short term grump that doesn’t do anything for our long term future.

Torah shows us that the curse of gender – what Western civilization pretends is the correct gendering – is what happens when we get kicked out of Gan Eden.

– How can we find a way forward that brings gender euphoria for everyone, including men?

– What are everyday ways to separate masculinity and maleness from models of heirarchy and domination?

– If we hate and distrust the patriarchy, why do we accept it’s lie that men are unchangeable?

Hineh sulam

Shabbat shalom y’all.
Yaacov dreams a ladder only to reject it. What heirarchy do you need to reject on your path to connection?

Kislev Dreaming

Just co-led my first Rosh Chodesh ritual for my favorite month – Kislev and feeling great!

In many ancient cultures, there were practices around the natural human habit of waking at 2-4 am. People would pray, have sex, snack, study, even visit close neighbors all in the middle of the night, all right after waking from dream/REM sleep. These practices gave us rest and connection outside of the business and busy-ness of day.

Metaphorically this month is the same time as the period between the 1st sleep and the 2nd sleep. If you can imagine the whole Jewish year as if it were a day – Pesach at high noon and Rosh haShannah at midnight – Kislev would fall at 2-4 am, that wake from dreaming time. We wake from dreams to find ourselves wanting connection – with each other, with g-d, with our Selfs. We wake from the physical act of our brains processing emotions and memories, working through the difficulties of the day in REM. In Hebrew, the word for dream is also related to a sense of vigor and repleteness, a recognition that it’s harder to dream when our body/minds are stressed. Our bodies – individual and communal – need support for rest and dreams to root themselves in us.

– What support would help you surrender your non-restful tension?

– What are dreaming about this month – individually and collectively?

– What is the tension in your life that will propel the arrow of your dream focus forward?

– How can you give yourself permission to go deeper into rest?