“ומאי טעמא אקריאת תמר ולא שאר שמות … דכל אילני תמרים כלולים זכר ונקבה”
“Why was she called Tamar and not another name? … for every date tree includes male and female.” – Sefer haBahir 198
My dearest Tamar,
I see you have inherited my coat – the ktonet passim, that technicolor princess gown. My father’s father remembered the smell of gan eden through Abba’s goat skin disguise, on uncle Esau’s shirt. Grandfather whispered in quiet chant, never looking you in the eyes even before his sight left, that this garment was one of the 10 miracles created by Shekinah at the edge of the first Shabbat. I know, I know …. How many lists of ten different things created on the first Shabbat did Saba Yitzchak have?!
I wish I could tell you this garment will bring joy and happiness, health and love. I wish I could wrap you in it knowing it would only be a sukkat shlomekha, a shelter of peace. The creations of haShem can bring wonder and permanence; Shekinah sometimes brings those darker mirrors. Just as it brought my brothers to a near-murderous rage, ultimately stained with goat’s blood, the coat will hurt you too. Could Abba smell gan eden on my coat, torn and bloodied? These men can not abide refusal, can not contain their hurt honor and violent retributions. They will hurt you too; blame you for crying no as I cried out when they ripped my clothes off and threw me down.
As the sages say “אֵיזוֹ הִיא אַהֲבָה הַתְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, זוֹ אַהֲבַת אַמְנוֹן וְתָמָר” “What is an example of love that depended on a thing? The love of Ammon for Tamar.”
I’m sorry I can not spare you from across time and space. The curse of hierarchy gender still rebounds from the Expulsion – “by the sweat of your brow,” “your desire will be for him.” I gave it up to exist in Egypt; better foreign and unknown than to live in the shadow that even the two who didn’t want you dead …. Didn’t protect you.
My gender was my crime. Always a “boy” never a man, always lifting my heel and lining my eyes with dark kohl. Your gender was your crime, a young woman wanted and – as the inheritor of my coat – perhaps there are connections even Torah has not said. They tried to destroy me and own you. They wonder after why I refused Potiphor and his wife, but how could I desire such contact after what my brothers did? You may feel the same, my dear heart. Do not blame yourself for this cruelty. Like your namesake remain tall, sweetened with the fruit of your effort, a shade for those in need. We mark an oasis in this arid desert; a pillar pointing to deep waters.
Much love from another date-tree in the family line,
Yoseph – Tzaphnat-paneach – vizier to the Lord of the Two Lands, The Great House, and They that Water the Nile.
eish zarah 